Okay, for starters, when I started kindergarten, I knew I was not a normal kind. I mean, from week one, I knew this. From the first week, I say that my peers were ragging on me for no apparent reason. Or, at least, no reason apparent to me at the time.
It took four years for the reason to become apparent to me. When I was in the third grade, I realized that I had this awkwardness about me. My facial structure, my facial expressions, my bodily form, my body language, my verbal harmonics, and the fashion in which I naturally walked, they were all awkward. And it was apparent to everyone else that this was the case, and because of that, they labeled me as “retard” and shelved me with the rest of them to be shunned as one. And that awkwardness has followed me to this very day.
The big curse that I have that no one else has, though, is intelligence. The lack of ignorance. I know what I look like, and worse, I know what that in tales. I know that I am very intelligent, as well as very smart, and I realize that there is a difference between the two. I know that there is more to me than meets the eye of the outside observer. And a select few people in the real world realize this as well.
But the problem still remains that most people are just stupid enough to label and shelf me because of my awkwardness, not taking into account my intelligence. Why? My theory is that, in a majority of cases, it has to do with impatience. They don’t have the patience with my vocal harmonics and how I look to realize that I have any worth at all.
Back in middle school, I met the first person since I realized why people were shunning to actually allow me to be comfortable in my own skin. Shortly thereafter, Mandi became my first girlfriend. Thing is, I fell in love with her. Hardcore. I don’t know what it was.
Maybe it was the fact that the only time I did feel comfortable in my skin was when I was around her. Maybe it was the concept that she was the first person outside of my father to be patient enough to hear me through my awkward speech and stuttering. Maybe it was her personality. Maybe it was a combination of any of the above and/or some things unmentioned. I don’t know. But I was in love with her.
Then she died. See, she had brain cancer, and was taking some medication in preparation for the chemotherapy. One night, she overdosed on those meds while at the hospital. The note I got from Dr. Frembin killed me inside. So much so that I actually made an attempt on my own life. But that’s a story for another time.
Thing is, I continued to slump around trying to compensate. I had tasted heaven for a short while, and now I was submerged back in hell on earth. Slowly, I got my will to live back, as I got in the group of people that was inflicted with the same curse as me. I became their leader, so to speak. I had to take care of them. That meant living, and being willing to live. No more feeling sorry for myself.
So now that the backstory is complete, now on with the regular story.
Last year, I think it was the spring semester, I met this girl, Paeo. We were acquaintances. Something happened and we became friends. I never thought anything more of it than that.
That is, until the 7th of this month.
There is a picture in “My Pictures” on myspace with the caption “All of the Bad Habits.” I don’t know what triggered this thought in my head, but something clicked as we were posing for that picture that Paeo makes me comfortable in my own skin. In my head, I start panicking. I haven’t felt this way in over a decade. And since the only time I have ever truly been in love and the only time someone made me feel comfortable in my own skin were by the same person, I associated those two emotions as the same.
So, I had spent the next couple weeks thinking I was in love with Paeo. Shit, I still do believe this to be the case. On Wednesday, I texted her to tell her as much, because I couldn’t in person. Every day I met her at the college, she brought Loren, didn’t feel like being nervous about taking Paeo away from Loren to tell her, every time I tried to get Paeo outside of the college, she couldn’t meet me. And I felt I couldn’t tell her in front of anybody, not even (from what I can tell) her best friend.
She texts me back, saying she only views me as a friend. Wishes she could feel the same way, but just doesn’t. Talk about a thorn in my side.
The past few days, I’ve been thinking about that, and I just came to a conclusion a couple hours ago. It was a long and tedious conclusion to make, but I finally made it. And I guess I should probably thank you, Paeo, for being that spark to finally make me realize this.
What I have realized is that maybe the reason why I am cursed with this body, with this face, along with the intelligence to see how I look compared to the vast majority of humans, and what that means other people see when they see me, is because I was meant to do something great, intellectually. And that means I must not be tied down, romantically, so that I can do whatever it is I’m to do. The intelligence is the “doing something great” part, and this awkwardness is the “not being tied down” part.
And I realize that this seems like a large jump, so if you need an explanation, here it is.
On the day before my 23rd birthday, Dannielle sent me the like to a video on youtube.com. It is a device – funded by DARPA and Boston Dynamics – that combines robotics technology with artificial intelligence technology. Up until this working prototype – code-named Big Dog – these two fields have had mostly separate technological evolutions. And, up until this point, I thought these two technologies were evolving at a slower rate. At this point, I have realized that when the American government – particularly the military branch, which DARPA is the military’s R&D department – starts funding on the edge technologies, those technologies start growing exponentially.
This scared the shit out of me, because this technology isn’t supposed to be growing this fast, and it’s funded by the
Also, My field of interest once I get out of college has something to do with artificial intelligence, so you can imagine my pure interest on this topic.
So, I figure, the military needs to have this piece of research stopped, lest the world find fatal consequences. Conspiracy theory? No, not really. I think the government is just trying to advance it’s army. Stay ahead of the game, so you don’t lose it. But look at the Atom bomb. Started off as a good idea, as an authentic attempt to do good. Now, it’s part of
So, I’m thinking, that’s probably be where I should start on outside of school. Prevent Big Dog from going past the prototype stage. And I can’t really be tied down in a relationship if that’s going to happen.
Take that as you will. -[alpha]{BETA}[delta]
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